about consumption and needs in disguise.
i feel insecure, not fully myself, somehow derailed. a gnawing feeling of unworthiness is testing out the sturdiness of my skin. i feel the urge to distract myself, to somehow numb the feelings cooking up inside of me.
not so long ago, i would have reacted to these feelings – right now i am able to take a moment to observe myself.
not so long ago, I would have checked my favourite lingerie label — ethically handmade in south africa — and probably ordered some very expensive pieces. some years ago, i would have checked online vintage stores for some new pieces i know i would get complimented for, accompanied with some superficial love. some time ago, all of this would have filled the hole in my chest, but — as i had to notice again and again — only for a very short while.
now i’m able to see that the impulse to buy is often an emotion, a need in disguise.
so what is it that allows me to introspect, rather than impulsively react and distract myself?
i believe it is a question, revealing itself as the most powerful guide in these moments of insecurity, of feeling unworthy, small, unlovable:
what do i want?
what do i want?
the more this question sifts through the layers of my needs – my emotions, my social connections, my possessions, my future plans, my consumptions – the more it uncovers what feels true to me and what is just a deception, a distraction, a false way out. i can feel that i am moving closer to myself and further away from an absurd performance of someone i strangely thought myself and others expected me to be.
almost never, when i truly make space for the needs and emotions that expand in my chest – my belly and my mind – do i actually want to consume the things i thought i wanted so badly. it is the fulfillment of other needs i am actually longing for: a need for feeling at home with each other, a need for warmth spreading through my body when i think about someone i love, a need for valuing each other in all our beautiful messiness, a need for belonging with each other beyond who we materially perform, a need for simply feeling enough.
it’s a thin and very blurry line between consuming something for myself and consuming something to impress others. the saying ‘to be someone’ comes to mind. it leaves the aftertaste of a very twisted understanding of ‘to be’: ‘to be’ simply means to exist. but paired together with ‘to be someone’ the meaning shifts from simply ‘being’ to ‘being worthy because of’. it supports a perspective where one has to earn love, has to achieve something before being worthy of attention, respect, care — a way of loving that oozes a deep consumerist and capitalist layering. it is also a way of loving that is bound to judgment and expectations, most likely building on one's own insecurities.
this is the core i feel the need to dismantle. to start walking through the world giving love that tries to detach itself from how someone is participating in performative consumer culture.
i wish to be loved for just being me. i wish to love someone else for just being them.
and while this feels like a truth, i wonder how blurry the line is between expressing oneself through possessions, wearing our inside out and trying to belong, to impress, to make ourselves valuable through what we own.
a ticklish sensation is cooking up inside of me, bringing with it the realisation that not all of the choices i make are my own; that most of them are attached to the need to be seen for what i achieved, for what i possess, for the consumer i am. but whatever calming words i try to pair with consumption — ethical, sustainable, careful, less — i realise that i use them as an excuse to just continue as before: consumption in a less disturbing costume.
another role to be played, another group to belong to — even if the groups differ in their consumer behaviour, in the role ethical and ecologically informed choices play, i am still left feeling distrubed by the weight and significance consumption has.
exit.
to consume — ‘“to destroy by separating into parts which cannot be reunited, as by burning or eating’ hence ‘destroy the substance of, annihilate’ [...] ‘to use up, eat, waste’ [...] ‘to destroy by use, wear out by applying to its natural or intended use’”
sadly, there is no ‘to be’ without ‘to consume’. i need to eat, i need to dress, i need to somehow furnish my place, i need tools. but i want to feel my self while i consume and i want how and what i consume to be insignificant. sure, i do want to celebrate self expression through clothing, i want to have my heart warmed together with my close one's listening and sharing music or a movie and i want to live in a place that feels inviting and like my own. but rather than numbing myself and creating a fictitious capitalist persona i am not, i want to feel fully free in the consumer choices i make — i want to consume when it serves me to come closer to my self and not in expansion of my curated self. instead of exchanging one consumer behaviour with another that is seemingly more considerate, i vow to myself to listen to the needs and emotions that my still present longing for unthoughtful consumption try to maneuver around.
i want to be appreciated for how i am, what i say, how i act, how i make someone else feel.
i want to create a world where we show each other who we are through words and actions rather than possessions. i want to create a world where we collectively see through the false promises of capitalist consumer culture. i want to create a world, where we collectively dismantle the felt need to buy, especially when it builds on the unnecessary exploitation of labour and resources. i want to create a world where our collective impetus derives from compassion and not competition.
after all, i just want ‘to be’.
this text was fueled by my interest in non-violent communication and a magical podcast episode. non-violent communication is a form of communication that seeks to unfold the emotions and unfulfilled needs that underlie and might have been triggering a strong emotional reaction to a (social) situation. by asking oneself “what do i actually want / need / expect?” one gets closer to the core of actual needs and can learn to react in a more generous, careful and non-judgmental way to situations that feel challenging.
the podcast episode i mentioned was recorded by the man enough podcast with the wonderful, brilliant and so so love-spreading poet, scholar and queer activist alok vaid menon as their guest. they speak about why compassion does not need comprehension and deeply influenced my views on how we can care, love and respect each other in all our differences.
The Men Enough Podcast – Alok Vaid-Menon: The Urgent Need for Compassion
